


Coulsonsleep

by bearfeathers



Category: The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Gen, Post-Movie, Spoilers, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-01
Updated: 2012-06-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 12:12:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearfeathers/pseuds/bearfeathers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn’t exactly a secret that Phil Coulson ran on caffeine and willpower, but like most human beings, he still needed sleep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coulsonsleep

**Author's Note:**

> Slightly goofy. I haven't written anything for a while and never for The Avengers so... OOPS. Spoilers if you haven't seen the movie. (Though why you'd be reading this if you haven't, I have no idea.)

It wasn’t exactly a secret that Phil Coulson ran on caffeine and willpower, but like most human beings, he still needed sleep. Where and when that sleep occurred was something that not even Tony Stark could guess at. There were the rumors though. That he slept in his office, suspended upside down from the ceiling. Others said he slept in a pod on the restricted level of S.H.I.E.L.D. HQ. Still others said he was actually a robot and therefore didn’t need any sleep at all.

That last one was particularly popular among the Junior Agents and Phil’s personal favorite.

None of them were true of course. He did sleep, almost every night and certainly not hanging from the ceiling in his office or in a pod. The circumstances surrounding sleep for him were still slightly unusual however. He preferred to sleep in short incremental periods of two or three hours at a time, filling the rest with coffee, paperwork, and playing nanny to superpowered manchildren. But all that catches up with you, no matter who you are. Thankfully, it hadn’t been a problem in the past and Fury saw nothing wrong with it, so things continued on as usual.

Until they didn’t.

Three months after the Battle for New York, they hit a bit of a snag. Granted, he wasn’t quite up to par—being run through by a vengeful god and dying temporarily will do that to you—but it still wasn’t an excuse. He really should have been paying closer attention to the time.

“If you could just look the files over, Mr. Stark—“

“Later, Phil, later. I’ve learned my lesson this time; no fancy champagne file swapping tricks,” Tony crowed, grinning devilishly.

Pepper rolled her eyes. “Tony, you’re not doing anything, could you just look over the files like a responsible adult for once?”

“Uh, ouch? And I’d hardly call planning Avenger Movie Night ‘not doing anything’ Pep,” Tony replied.

“And I know you can have those files taken care of in a matter—“

Phil would have been happy to stand by as the couple continued their playful banter until Pepper inevitably won and the files were delivered, except not today. Today, in the middle of all this, he felt exhaustion hit him harder than the Hulk hit, well, anything. It must have showed because Pepper looked at him curiously from the corner of her eye as he attempted to check his watch without drawing too much attention to himself. There was no way he would make it. But his car would be better than the floor of Avengers Tower.

“I apologize, I have to return to HQ.”

Tony actually cut himself short, his mouth hanging open, caught midsentence. If it weren’t for the situation, he would have asked JARVIS for a shot from the security camera to preserve for posterity: Tony Stark speechless.

“Alright,” Pepper said in that tone that denoted she knew something was wrong and he’d better own up to it at lunch tomorrow or she would pry it out of him. “I’ll take the files for now?”

“Sure. Thank you. I’ll be back to debrief you tomorrow Mr. Stark.”

“Hold up there, Agent. Since when do you cut and run?” Tony asked suspiciously and damn it all if he wasn’t blocking the exit.

“Since I’m needed back at HQ.”

“You never leave until you’ve seen files in my hands. What’s the story here? Dentist appointment? Forgot to water your peace lily? Quickie with the cellist in a motel downtown?”

“ _Tony_.” Pepper’s tone was reproachful, but amused.

“None of the above. Please step aside,” Phil said, calmly as he could manage.

“Not until I get an answer,” Tony replied, jutting his chin out stubbornly.

“Mr. Stark, please step aside or I will have no choice but to make you step aside,” he said.

“Excuse me, do I detect a tremor in your voice? Fess up or you’re not getting out of here. I’ll have JARVIS throw us in lockdown,” Tony informed him, determined to get his way.

Phil made a motion to reach for his TASER. “I really would prefer if—“

To his credit, Tony at least didn’t let him fall on his face when he collapsed.

* * *

“Well, the medic’s on the way, should just be a minute,” Tony said, hovering awkwardly over the sofa, trying to look disinterested. “How’s he, uh…”

He made a vague motion to the Agent lying prone there.

“He seems all right,” Pepper said, sounding perplexed. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d actually say he was sleeping.”

“ _No way_.”

Tony and Pepper’s heads shot up at the sound of Clint’s voice as he came off the lift, other Avengers in tow. He scurried over, still careful to maintain a distance as he watched his handler carefully, appearing oddly fascinated by the sight. Predictably, Steve was the first to pipe up in concern as the group drew nearer.

“What happened? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine,” Natasha injected suddenly. “So long as he didn’t hit his head on the way down.”

“Hey, give me some credit,” Tony snorted. “And what do you mean _fine_? Robocop takes a nosedive for the floor and he’s _fine_?”

“He does this,” Natasha answered.

The room went quiet, waiting for her to elaborate. She didn’t. Bruce winced, the unlucky volunteer.

“Does what, exactly?” he asked.

“Sleeps,” she said. “How often have you seen him sleep?”

“I don’t watch people while they sleep,” Steve said, a little too quickly.

“Never,” Bruce added. “I mean… I can be up late in the lab sometimes and no matter how late I’m up he’s still, uh… haunting the halls, so to speak.”

“Exactly. So, once every four weeks, for a six hour period, he sleeps. Like clockwork, on the dot, every month. And he won’t wake up for anything. Loki could come crashing through the side of this building—“

“Too soon,” Tony moaned.

“—and if it was before those six hours were up, you wouldn’t get so much as a twitch from him,” Natasha explained.

“The Son of Coul sleeps the Odinsleep,” Thor hummed, nodding sagely.

“I think you mean Coulsonsleep,” Tony corrected, eyeing the Agent as he plucked something from his tools nearby.

“I know that look. Whatever you’re planning…” Pepper said in a warning tone.

Tony didn’t let her finish. Like he’d done with Bruce in the Helicarrier, he gave the slumbering Agent a quick zap. Not so much as a twitched muscle. Just like Natasha said. Damn.

“Okay _enough_. Are we forgetting the fact that you were all longfaced at his funeral not so long ago?” Pepper ground out suddenly, startling them all. Waiting for the appropriate response of hanging heads and hands shoved in pockets—really though, no one pulled off the kicked puppy look quite like Steve Rogers—she folded her arms over her chest before issuing her orders. “Right. Now, I’m going to phone the medic back and tell him not to come, we’re going to proceed with Avengers Movie Night, and we are _not_ going to disturb Phil. Clear?”

“12% clear.”

And in that moment Tony knew he’d be sleeping on the couch just as soon as it was vacant.

* * *

“—I didn’t have to resort to force.”

Phil blinked slowly. It was dark. But there was a flickering light nearby and he was… warm.

“Did you just finish the sentence you passed out in the middle of? You really are a robot, you know that?”

Stark. Brilliant. Which meant he was—? He tried not to groan as the realization struck him. Avengers Tower. That’s right, he remembered.

“I am glad to see you have awakened, Son of Coul.”

And then he realized why he was warm. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know why he’d been divested of his coat and tie and was being cradled—surprisingly gently—by the god of thunder. Carefully, so as not to offend him, he extracted himself from the god’s grip with a disarming half-smile.

“Thank you, Thor, I think I should be—“

“Shh, shh. Wait. We’re not done with movie night, you’ve got to stay,” Steve whispered, his eyes on the screen and his hand on Phil’s arm.

So much for leaving. With a resigned sigh, he eased back onto the sofa, filling the vacant spot. Odd how Stark seemed to have bought a wraparound that fit all of them just so…

“Tomorrow we’re having a discussion about proper sleeping habits,” Pepper said from the other side of Steve.

“Yes, mother.”

“Ha! Called it! You owe me ten bucks.”

“Like you need ten bucks, Stark.”

“I do if I want to fill a swimming pool with Hamiltons.”

“Shut up! You gonna talk through the whole damn movie?”

“Careful not to spill the popcorn…”

Considering the world hadn’t ended while he slept, Phil decided this wasn’t such a terrible way to spend an evening.

It was almost worth the endless ribbing he was bound to get for this mishap.

Almost.


End file.
